He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
