I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
