I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
