You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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