Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
