I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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