dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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