I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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