i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
