I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
