I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
