question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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