I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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