How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
