I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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