if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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