I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
