My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
