dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
