I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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