She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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