What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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