ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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