I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
