Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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