our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
