Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
