btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
