I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
