A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
