I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
