I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
