Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize