Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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