Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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