I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize