my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Four minutes until I can fart!
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
