i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize