he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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