I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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