the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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