Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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