Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
