Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
