I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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