you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize