Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
