I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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