i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
