It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the day after is always just damage control
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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