we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
