im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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