What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize