I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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