just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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