oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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