listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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