I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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