I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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