Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
