listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
