Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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